All of us make mistakes. We harm one another. We hurt ourselves. We break promises to our loved ones; we are unfaithful, we don’t spend meaningful time with those we care about. We are impatient with and judge one another, a form of emotional and spiritual abuse. Or, we develop an addiction to work or alcohol or drugs, which harms ourselves and causes pain to everyone who loves us.

For most of us, it is too painful and shameful to look at the ways we harm ourselves and others. Instead, we make excuses or criticize someone else.

Enormous strength and courage are needed to look deeply at our lives and acknowledge the harm we’ve done. If we try to do that, an intense internal struggle takes place. We want to avoid the shame and grief and even horror we feel as we begin to acknowledge our mistakes. Many of us short-circuit this incredibly difficult process.

Yet, we must go into this “dark night of the soul” in order to really grow emotionally and spiritually. We must take responsibility for what we’ve done, the time we’ve wasted, the pain we’ve caused. We must bear the grief and pain and guilt.

Then we must accept our humanness and forgive ourselves.

It takes enormous strength, honesty and integrity to face ourselves, and whenever possible — when it does no additional harm — the person we’ve wronged. Out of the process of admitting our mistakes grows the strength to express our sorrow and regret, our desire to make whatever amends we can, and our commitment to never make that mistake again.

This is the human journey, a journey of emotional and spiritual healing that leads to growth and ultimately expanded consciousness. We become more aware and insightful, more responsible and careful, more conscious of the spiritual purpose of every choice we make, and more compassionate and loving.

The possibility of growth often starts with a mistake. The more serious the mistake, the greater the potential growth. Growth is nurtured with self-reflection, honesty, persistence, and the courage to acknowledge the harm we have done. Acceptance, forgiveness and compassion from ourselves and at least one other person promote healing. The integrity to admit our wrongs helps build the internal strength needed to do no harm in the future and to accept the consequences of the mistakes we made.

The change process is thoughtfully discussed in additional depth in The Art of Happiness, A Handbook for Living, by His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Howard C. Cutler, M.D.

Mistakes begin in pain, shame and sorrow and are resolved in the honesty, courage, and integrity needed for emotional and spiritual growth.