Visited By An Angel, Blessed By a Multitude

I almost died the week of July 15.  A deep subcutaneous infection of unknown origin led to emergency surgery.  I awoke to a huge wound from my waist to my thigh, from my navel to my side, almost to the middle of my back.  I was so weak I couldn’t listen to TV, hold a fork or get out of bed.    Eating was exhausting, done only to live.  I lost about 65 lbs in six weeks.  With huge black circles under my eyes and at my temples, I could see the skeletal structure of my skull.  A dear friend said that the “spark of life had greatly retreated.”

It was one of the highpoints of my life.

Squeamish, I looked only briefly at the wound.  The entire left side of my abdomen, as the resident surgeon said, looked as if I’d had a fight with a shark and lost.  As I saw the bloody tissue, I realized that on a physical level, we are all “just meat,” no more or less than any other animal that is part of the food chain.  And I was aware of how we devalue all life, all “meat.”

My childhood spiritual tradition taught that the “flesh” is a source of shame to be “scourged.”  I had sought all my life for a spiritual reason to value my body.

I now saw that we must love ourselves at all levels, including the physical, exactly as we are at that moment.  Each cell expresses our unique individual consciousness, a small portion of universal Divine Consciousness.  When bringing unconditional love – our greatest challenge – to our bodies and ourselves, we bring Divine Love to  everything and everyone we touch on the physical plane.  Divine Love expressed in the physical plane somehow benefits all creation and encourages growth in both the material and spiritual planes.   Perhaps my budding understanding of that lesson is the reason I chose not to die.  I only know for certain that I was clearly given a choice, and I chose to stay.

My choice began with my awareness “swimming” up and down, sometimes very close to the surface, every day reality, and other times moving much deeper into subconscious and symbolic levels.  Between the pain and the medication, at first I had little control over the particular depth of consciousness.  Loss of physical and mental control became a great gift.  To heal and grow, I had to accept that I was not in control.

When I “surfaced,” I worried about my job, the medical bills, my lack of privacy and my helplessness.  I hated asking for help with every small task.  I was irritated and judgmental of doctors and nurses whose personality styles differed from mine.  But I was too exhausted to be angry or frustrated.  With no strength, I needed allies, not opponents.  My only personal power was to accept my helplessness, release fear, embrace rather than resist the pain, accept each person for who they were, and decide what I could do to take care of myself.  By accepting almost complete loss of control, I let go of my usual defenses, made room for acceptance, and moved much closer to Spirit.  Potential opponents frequently became staunchest allies.

And Spirit spoke.

I heard a Voice that I’d heard only a few times before in my life.  I call it the “Big Voice,” an attempt to make manageable my awareness of a vastly powerful Spiritual Being of undefined nature.  A Master?  An Archangel?  A Guide?  I could not know, only trust its limitless compassion.

The Big Voice was very calm and gentle.  It knew that I’d always been ambivalent about being on this plane; before birth I had reluctantly agreed to be here because I felt it was my “duty.”  The Voice said that now I could once again decide whether I wanted to be here, assuring me that either choice – to stay or go – was fine.  There was no judgment, no pressure.   Free of pain, peaceful and relaxed, leaving seemed very easy.  I didn’t know what to do and postponed the decision.  A day or two later, I had a charming, whimsical vision.

I saw my totality – my consciousness, body, emotions, mind – as the prairie:  open, abundant grasses flowing to the horizon under warm sunshine and a beautiful blue sky.  On top of a small hill a female prairie dog popped out of her hole.  She carefully looked around, 360 degrees, slowly examining her environment.   She decided the land was a familiar, “pretty nice” place.  She gave a metaphorical shrug and told herself that she would stay for a while.   I had made my choice.

In the days that followed, I felt enormous appreciation, gratitude and love for everyone around me.  Divine Love seemed to pour into me through the top of my head and I had to express it.  I told each person how much I enjoyed them, how special they were.  Bouquets of flowers, balloons, crystals, cards, presents and phone calls filled the room.   This was a time to accept support, to receive, to trust that people would “buoy me up.”

I felt incredibly connected to and supported by these wonderful people – family, old friends, nurses, doctors.  I had known that many people “liked” me.   However, I now realized that by receiving their support, I was allowing people to express their need to let me know that I mattered, that I was important in their lives, and that many of them loved me.  I had never really understood or felt that; but then, I had never before let go and allowed myself to trust and receive so much.

Nurses took their breaks in my room because it was such a happy place to be, filled with flowers, gifts, and the Divine Love pouring through me.  One nurse said that she had never seen anything like it.  Neither had I.

Stopping the pain medication due to miserable side affects, I floated above the pain, the wound healing rapidly and well.  I asked nurses to make positive comments about my progress directly to “Patty’s Pit” (my brother, Mike, won the name-the-wound contest).  My hands over the wound, I visualized healthy tissue and told her “what a good job she was doing.”   Soon the surgeon and nurses were commenting in surprise at how quickly the huge wound was filling in.

When the doctor said I could go home, I felt sad and afraid that this special connection with Spirit was ending.  While struggling with depression, an aide gave me a card and said that someone had dropped off something.  In front of me, she placed a large, very beautiful, hand-made stained-glass angel holding a crystal wand.  The card included a letter from an anonymous “friend” who wrote that she was guided in two dreams to make this angel for someone named “Pat or Patty.”  She followed this Guidance, then let the angel rest because she had no idea to whom she was to give it – she knew no one named Pat or Patty.  Several weeks later, she learned about my experience from a mutual acquaintance and knew immediately – although we had never met – that the angel was intended for me.

I was awestruck.  Grieving and fearful of losing this special connection with Spirit, a huge stained-glass angel arrived from an anonymous “stranger” – from Spirit.   After that “bonk” on the head, I realized that the only time I lose touch with Spirit is when I am afraid or unwilling to listen.  I was overwhelmed.  I felt incredible gratitude and tremendous love and support from the Ultimate Source.

After a quite profound day, I decided to relax, take a time-out from all this intensity, and unwind on my favorite patio which no one else ever used.  No one knew where I was.   I needed a break from this highly-charged spiritual energy.  On my little wooden flute I started playing one of my all-time favorite songs, “The Rose.”  I love the words to this song:  “Some say love, it is a razor, that leaves your soul to bleed.  I say love, it is a flower, and you, it’s only seed.”

I was relaxed and relieved to know that I could have both powerful spiritual experiences and take a break whenever I wanted.  (WARNING, WARNING:  Complacency and illusions of control setting in!)  As I continued playing “The Rose,” an arm reached around me and set three long-stemmed red roses in front of me, a gift from another “stranger.”  So much for getting a break from Spirit and thinking that I’m in charge of this process.  Oh well…..

I USED TO think I was fairly intelligent.   But I don’t dare say that I’ve learned that lesson and now know better – something ELSE will probably happen.  In fact, it’s guaranteed.

Thank you to my many, many loved ones, teachers and friends.   If you are reading this, you are probably among this multitude.   Many thanks.